Tuesday, 13 June 2017

The Wicked Wedgie Woman and. Some Other Words That Start With W That I Can't Think Of


Now, I have been a "wedgee" (one on the receiving end of a "wedgie")
Many times. Some I admittedly deserved. The assorted "wedgers" (one who gives a wedgie) have been the usual unsavoury cast of characters you would expect - The school bully, my brothers., so-called "friends", but I had never received a wedgie from someone's grandma - that is until yesterday. Yes you heard that right. 

Lemme start from the start. I was in a a store called Value Village, a thrift type store. It reminds me of a flea market I used to go to in Texas. Off on the horizon I spotted a bluetooth keyboard - a rare commodity in a store such as this.  I thought I'd shift into 2nd gear - a sort of "Harlem Shuffle" but this is exactly when my gait goes to pot and I go into happy- drunk mode. That was when I felt someone grab my rear belt loop and hike up my pants. My immediate thought was "which of my "friends" would be juvenile enough to wedgie me in a public place? I turn to face a sweet, Ms. Doubtfire-looking woman who  shrugged her shoulders and said "I thought you were going to fall". 

Now if you want to get technical, she  did not give me a wedgie -  as if her real intention was to hike  up my gitch, I foiled that plan by tucking in my shirt. But. Her seemingly inoccuous action of grabbing grabbing my rear belt loop  and raising my pants to Ed Grimlian levels  bore all the tell tale signs of a well executed "external" wedgie with the initial mildly pleasing sensation, followed by moderate discomfort, and cliaxing in an always demeaned state. 
                          
While I certainly wasn't soft stepping across the floor, I don't
 recall stumbling nor did I think that I was displaying any outward signs, nor inadvertantly communicating that one of my patented "bring down everything that is not bolted Sto the floor" falls. So I am not inclined to believe her line that she thought I was falling.

           Then what exactly were her nefarious motives? Could this Septuagenarian be  "interested" in me? It's got like 55 year old Parkys are exactly lighting up the Eharmony switchboards. As Red Green used to say, "If the women don't find you mobile, they should at least be able to find your waistband"  I contacted Gifford Falway of the REHAB (Retired Elders Having a Blast) and he reassured me  that this was anot a common scheme for finding companionship amonst his members as most have already transitioned to an elasticized mnwaistbands. While confessing that a handful of his members may have employed the Wedgie falling hoax as just another tool in the toolbox used to find companionship, Falway was quick to note that his group has always promoted a "catch and release" policy amongst its members

Then last night one of my crack research interns Lars questioned whether she could actually be the Wicked Wedgie Woman immortalized in Dan Pilkey's, "CaptaIn Underpants and the Wrath of the Wicked  Wedgie Woman.  I think not as she was attempting not a basic wedgie, nor even the rare "atomic wedgie", but the easiest entry level wedgie the one mandated in every elementary level curriculum. The Wicked Wegie Woman would never bother with such amateurish attempts.

Regardless as to whether this woman is some sort of super heroine or not, But regardless of the result it is the intent that counts, no? I believe that this woman is a chronic wedger and is a grest risk to reoffend. Wedgie Womaan, Ms. Doutfire, or whoever you are... if you are on the lam reading this - turn yourself in. I'd be happy to make a citizens arrest at any Parkinsons Wake satellite  office. But if you just take a second to "like" this  post below, I promise to stay the charges. 



Sunday, 4 June 2017

Blogger Contracts A Severe Case of Young Onset Descentia



 


In the old days when it wsas such jolly good fun skewering Facebookers that posted critical updates such as the status of their bowel movements, or their opinion on who was hotter on Gilligan's Island: Ginger, or Mary Ann, I pledged that if I ever posted on the minutiae of my life it would at least involve what I considered a weighty issue, or something that had a public service.



Today's report involves a report on yesterday's EPIC bike ride up into the foothills just outside Calgary, specifically, up the Highwood Pass. Highway 40, or the Bighorn Highway is a mountain route that is closed to vehicular traffic until June 15, every year - making it a Mecca for young Calgarians who yearn for a heavy dose of "young-onset descentia. I'm not positive which feel-good neurotransmitter iare generated by riding down the yellow line at mind-bending speeds, but I was totally innebriated

What is it that makes a not-so-young onset Parkinsonian scream down a mountain pass at speeds that if the unthiinkable (though if considered over a lifetime - likely inevitable) happened, he would be in such a world of hurt, that would exceed,the agony of his spinal fusion, plus his Deep Brain Stimulation Surgery PLUS the pain and associated suffering of living with a teacher in the month of June.

Where's the public service, you ask? Well, my personal advice to you is that this ride should be on your bucket list Somewhere near where you placed learning nude felting, and working Blair's corner at his Caesar's palace title fight You do not need to be a pro cyclist (nor a parky) to ride the route though the latter might help - as with Parkinson's, cycling is one of the few activities that feels as it always did - making the rides descents even more exhilarating. Enjoy!

Saturday, 27 May 2017

The Parkinson's Alternative Glossary, " Carpe Nocum" and The Naked Carpenter

Sometimes people say I make up words. I reply, I only resort to forging new words when the English language cannot keep up with my convoluted, dopamine-starved, twisted, fictionettes.

It used to be that every linguistic street crossing had sentries posted to guard against entry of neo bastardized words - inevitably from the Rock n' Roll stained youth of the time. These days, the sentries look to have abandoned their posts. It would appear that anyone can become a pseudo authority and start their own dictionary. It's like we've gone from "Let's start a rock 'n roll band and make a million dollars" to "let's write a dictionary to legitimize our verbal diarrhea."

wordlef.PNGOf course we have the gold standards, the Oxfords, the, Webster’s, etc. We know of several upstarts such as the URBAN dictionary, the RURAL dictionary, and my personal favorite “Right On The Edge of Town”  (but still close to Starbucks), dictionary, aka, “The New Parkinson’s Altern

Yes, I am pleased to present to you the latest entry in the crowded hdictionary/glossary market: The New Parkinson’s Alternative Glossary. This latest entry fills a strong need for a glossary/dictionary that can decipher and crack the code of some of our multi-worded phrases in the Parkinson's sphere. While these cryptic references are primarily from my personal dialect, many fellow Parkinsonians will recognize some of the references.

This truly is the English language at its most beautiful. This handsome, six page, no-cover downloadable beauty would make a great gift for anyone affected by Parkinson's - but would also be an excellent gift for any others that are curious about how the other 1% live!
Parkinson's Wake has managed to extort a review from Giff, our old friend from REHAB:

"A must-read for those friends and family who don’t find anything funny about Parkinson’s"
Gifford Falway - REHAB (Retired Elders Having A Blast)

We will be feeding you these gems one minnow at a time here on the blog. 
Without further adieu, our first entry is..


Verb (latin)


  • Literally, to “seize the night”. Parkinsonian definition refers to an unusual spurt of good mobility, a rare nocturnal “kicking in” of dopamine. This often results in a titanic mental steel cage match pitting a frenetic urge to leap out of bed and “make hay while the sun shines” with an almost equally powerful urge to stay put and drift off into effortless sleep (the latter with the recognition that the typical Parkinsonian banks as much sleep as a coffee taster on night shift.
  • New York's Naked Cowboy
    A distant relative of Calgary's
     the Naked Carpenter
  • Additional Info: A willingness to engage in "carpe noctum" activities means the individual must accept the risks of functioning in times of a manic state. There are documented cases of extremely odd behaviour associated with carpe noctum. In one disturbing case in SW Calgary, an individual was found in his carpentry shop working away in his underwear at 3:30am. When confronted and questioned why he was in underwear, he responded "Wouldn't be very safe doing carpentry naked, would it?" It is said that the first respopnder was reminded of New York's "Naked Cowboy". (Minus the boots, the cowboy hat, and replace the guitar with an 8 ft. length of beautiful milled Birdseye Maple.)

Monday, 22 May 2017

Muhammad vs The Assumptives

[Note from blogger...It's been said that I have a loose, if not Trumpian, grasp of the truth (likely by a disgruntled former employee of our Nunavut satellite office with an ulu to grind). Well, the truth might hurt if I didn't have such a treasure chest of opioids left over from my back fusion days. Just kiddin’ ya. You think someone on opioids  would have the clarity of mind to craft world-class BS such as this?

I am here to pledge that this entry and all others under the "Parky On The Lamb" banner happened as described - and that these stories have bypassed my blogospheric inflatius, that part of my brain responsible for inflation, imagination, and exaggeration.

As you might expect, these incidents will illuminate both the best and the worst we all have to offer in public. And maybe I shouldn't characterize these as so unbelievable as we all seem capable of both the worst and the best.  I you were to guess that most of my public "situations " were generally negative, you would be correct. In human natures defence, I would suggest that even in the most abhorrent situations the heart of the problem is either ignorance or laziness - the individuals are content to assume and make a snap decision based primarily on appearances. (The guy is drunk, the guY is high, slow, dangerous etc) I am not so fond of labelling groups of people bu I can't help myself - I would like to refer to these people as the "Assumptives". For me, the most intriguing accounts are stories involving individuals who may are old enough to know better - with the most inspiring ones involving individuals whom you would be surprised that they do know better. The latter describes today's adventure.


He passed me on the sidewalk like I was a drug-free Lance Armstrong. I was travelling my usual snail’s pace. Consequently, most of my crashes are of the rather low-speed, unspectacular variety. The director for my biography shouldn't have any trouble finding a stuntman for my role.

Seagal: "So Spiel you're sayin' that all I need to do in this scene is fall off my bike?"
Spielberg:  "That’s right Stephen"
Seagal: "How fast is the bike moving?"
Spielber: "Barely moving, close to a pedestrian speed, possibly stationary."
Seagal: "I hope you got me a Harley this time. I'm fed up with those Japanese imports."
Spielberg; "Sorry Stephen it’s a Trek."

Just as my front wheel caught the edge of the sidewalk, another cyclist was passing. He was young boy about 15 or 16. A ringer for a young Lebron James. From my back on the grassy median, I watched him turn and come back to check on me. He peered down at me like I was an injured animal: 
(Reader now to imagine Little House on the Prairie episode where an empathetic Laura finds a possum with a broken leg, and wants to take it home and nurse it back to health.)

Laura Ingalls: "But Pa, we can't  just leave him here? I promise I'll take care of him. Pleeezee..."
Pa: Half-pint,   just don't forget to poke some holes in the box so the parky can breathe OK?

Muhammad: "You OK man?"
Blogger: "Yeah, I'm fine"
Muhammad: "You sure?
Blogger: Sort of"
Muhammad:"You don't look OK."
Blogger: "Gee, thanks."

Muhammad: "No, I mean, it's just that something isn't right with you."

"There are a few things that aren't right with me."
Have you heard of Parkinson's?
Muhammad: "No.”
Blogger: ”Do you know what Ali has?" His eyes lit up. It was apparent  that he got considerable satisfaction out of sharing the boxers first name.

Muhammad: "I'm worried about you, I want to follow you home."

I put up a minimal fuss as I really did want him to accompany me so  might get to learn a bit about who this extraordinary young man was. Unfortunately, my somewhat less than bicycle rodeo-winning bikesmanship mandated  a single file return. He followed me into my community and suddenly disappeared. 

At an age where most youth are so preoccupied with themselves and their tiny worlds that you'd think they were bloggers  - here is a young man whose world was big enough to include me - his sense of community such that it mattered to him whether I got home safely or not. A young boy confident enough that he would put aside any fears of me, a total stranger. 

Beautiful young man, just beautiful. I would love to see the adult this teen grows into.


Sunday, 21 May 2017

Parky On the Lam


As far as blogging goes, I am hardly known for my brevity. I am hoping today marks a change. "Parky On The Lam" will be the name for a series of little snippets, shorter accounts of incidents that happen to me in public (there are a lot). I cannot read peoples mind, but I think the most common reaction to me is to assume I am drunk. On the surface, that might make some sense as my biggest symptoms are mumbling/slurred speech and falling down.So sounds like a drunk, looks like a drunk - but dreses like a pro cyclist in spandex. How many people get shit-faced in spandex? Ok, Ok,  i'll give you that  - but besides the winner?
m funny situations stem from the fact that the symptoms often f Parkinson's can have such an on/off rhythm.. I will often freeze in a doorway but once through, may be able to walk away fluidly. 

The "kick" in mobility one gets when the drug Sinemet kicks in can be the source of some amusing reactions as someone may witness you at your worst stuck with little mobility, then in as little as a few seconds later walking completely normally with no sense of distress. My term for this phenomenon is "immaculate proprioception"  (no, you do not need to be Catholic to enjoy this)

I will upload my first entry for Parky on the Lamb on Saturday. It is about a beautiful young man named Muhammed who followed me home one day as he was worried about me after witnessing me fall off my bike. I hope you enjoy them 

Wednesday, 3 May 2017

The "Droolin' on Manitoulin"

Look for new post this morning (Sunday)


Here at the Parkinson’s Wake Corporation it’s not often that we need to apologize to readers -  even rarer that we need to twice, but indeed that's what we face today. Our April Fools “Liver Therapy” entry went from Hoax to a hot button topic at support groups around the globe - sending ripples through the cattle futures market. In our defence If you had done your due diligence and ran The Swedish company’s name (Aprilskämt) through Google Translate, you would have been returned the english translation; “April Fools”. Secondly, if you ran the name of the therapy “(denna fruktansvärda hems orgel köttaaz)” through, you would have received “that horrible, horrible organ meat” in english. PLEASE NOTE - The only medically-proven uses for liver is as an effective disciplinary tool used in tandem with behaviour mod with children.



Secondly, I would like to apologize for some inaccuracies in a clip that that was released to  the public last Wednesday. A promotional training video intended to update my following on my boxing  exploits to-date was released. Unfortunately, the video was intercepted by an over-zealous Sven in Communications > Alternate Truth Subsection> Total BS unit > Maleable BS wing", who doubled the frame rate. In Sven’s defence he was simply doing his job  (keeping Blair from looking like too much of an incompetent ass in the ring. Err.. .yes, that is correct - Sven is a full-time employee. And you are right again, he does put in a lot of overtime. How did you know that? What have we done to ensure this doesn’t happen again, you ask? As they say in the business the buck stops here Sven has been promoted.. err demoted to the <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> > The Real Truth Subsection > Honestly, No BS Here Unit >Totally Truthful Arm.

One of the most immediate effects of this blunder what is to send a chill through the Rasmussen family of six boys. What with the Family's June Celebration of my Late Father’s life and Rasmussen Son Jamboree planning in the final planning stages the boxing tournament draw seems to be in shambles- at least the heavyweight division as most of my brothers have joined Jenny Craig with the ultimate goal of dropping a weight class in order to avoid the parky. They correctly recognize that these circumstances - going toe to toe with a parky is a classic example of a lose/lose  situation.Whether you beat the snot out ;of a parky, or you got beat by a parky, your reputation will take a fatal beating

I can tell you that there was one brother who did not fall for the boxing video ruse - Prone to cockiness, he often forgets that he was the only Rasmussen boy who entered this world clad in only light artillery. Not posesssing the large howitzers his siblings did he still refuses to accept that his package is more suited to light skirmishes as a peavekeeper, or a "mall cop” He has gone on record (sad to say) that beating the snot out of a parky is not beneath him. One can only hope that he is kidding, as he will soon be in for a world of hurt.
But has it occurred to the Rasmussen Boys. that this ruse may be just a ruse within a larger RUSE to drive away the competition. Could it just be possible that the DopaMeany is everything the video portrayed him as - maybe more.  That he is not only a Meany - but may in fact be a certifiable maniac, yes a DopaManiac?

Ruse or not, The boxing Jamboree will go on as planned. It is part of a longer-term plan to keep the family close. We all figure that the best way to accomplish that is to stick with what what got us here in the first place - beating the living crap out of each other. There are some concerns that without Mom here to referee, that things will get out of hand. With some even suggesting that we switch to an  octagon, and adopt MMA  rules. (esmussenz rules

As one of the main goals of the family Jamboree on Manitoulin Island is to raise awareness of Parkinson's, we have given much thought to the name  given to the events name. You know, all of Ali’s big fights had a catchy names; The “Thrilla in Manilla”, The “Rumble in the Jungle“.  Our current working title is: "Droolin’on Manitoulin” I am currently working with the advertising department  in our effort to come up with a pleasing pleasing visual. No progress to report to-date.













Thursday, 20 April 2017

The Tale of the Tape

On behalf of the Parkinson's  Walte Corporation I would like to announce that the winning entry in the contest to find an suitable ring .name for this blogger is "DopaMeany". This entry was submitted by "Dawn a' Stunnin'". Readers may recognize MS. Stunnin' as the identical twin of Ms. Dopamine  - that alternatively clad global delivery woman of dopamine.


My apologies that this clip is so short - Coach Mickey wants as little footage of me in the public domain as possible.

Training update coming. Shortly.

Cheers,
DopaMeany

..